little black immersion

two weeks ago before all these disasters, i.e. typhoons, earthquakes, tsunamis seen at the asia pacific region, i myself was way up north in ilocos for a weekend road trip with strangers. yes, literally. well we came from the same school but i only know three of them and little did i know there were more males and the females. it didn't really bother me since i'm always up for something new and exciting. i felt like i lived in the big brother house with unfamiliar faces to share a house with. it was just three days but i learned a lot specifically with the male species from that experience. 

there are lots of psychology books which i also read classifying women from men. but it's still different to know first-hand. i like to call it my 'little black immersion.' in an unfamiliar territory and people, i was on guard and quiet. i'm not shy or timid, i'm just observing the whole time. it's innate to me for people i first encounter with. you could just imagine the testosterone level in that kind of situation. 

for the women out there, i'll list my observations on how the male brain activity works and for the men, some women are not dumbfounded.. just so you know. (lol)

-- men checks out women. from her face down. how she dresses. how she carries herself. no conversation included just by seeing you. and yes they do picture you naked. did it ever occur to you why superman has x-ray vision? the more flesh a woman shows, the better ogling for them. no matter what the girl looked like as long as she flashes cleavage or not.

-- during conversations over alcohol, if there is a thing called girl talk.. guy talk includes the topic of basketball or any other sport, girls, cars, sex, girls, politics, sex, fantasies (but that wasn't included because i was there), their getting laid style, porn-like strip club joints, courting style, cool dude movies, did i say chicks? haha 

-- men are born competitive. they have to win. the reason why they like every kind of games. 

-- speaking of games, they like doing mind games to women. they will never say it straight to the point.

-- the more competitive a guy is, expect that he's more likely a playboy. most men have this napoleon complex where he needs to conquer and a chick is his conquest. 

-- when men get together, they see women as sex objects and testosterone level of the group rises having the 'i'm the man!' feeling. chauvinists pigs. 

-- unfortunately, men don't mature. it's grad school for god's sake but there's no effect. most single men enrolled to meet other single or not women. 

regardless of the educational trip, i enjoyed my immersion, being one of the boys. 

R.I.P.

is it the year of famous people dying? first, it's Farrah Fawcett, the 70s angel and sex symbol. 

then of course the very publicized death of the king of pop, Michael Jackson. 

then locally, the national icon who gave back democracy to the Filipino people, president Cory Aquino. 

then the young hollywood DJ known for having famous girlfriends and his one time band crazytown, DJ AM.

then locally, the religious leader of the Christian sect, Iglesia ni Cristo Erano Manalo.

then, the latest is the 80s dirty dancing king, Patrick Swayze. 

my mom texted me yesterday to pick her up from work and go visit our dad and her dad at the cemetery. since she wasn't able to go there last weekend. she visits every weekend. a timely conversation while paying respects at the tomb, i told her, "patrick swayze died today." and she replied in shock, "why?" i said "pancreatic cancer." then she said in sort of relief, "well... you really can't do anything about it." 

i'm relieved that she has accepted it after 3 years...

positivity, work on me

i have to attract the positive. i think my life is in shit right now but compared to other people it's not shitty as it seems. i'm getting to my goal in losing weight and i won't be able to do that if i'm under the influence of pressure, physically and mentally. i'm back to school which i wanted even if i failed my recent midterms in stat class. it's really frustrating that my classmates are really competitive and are good about it. but what can i do, i'm not gifted with the dominant dna for the left brain. 

mine is on the right brain. so what a creative person will think and do is that there's always a way. i will pass all my subjects this term. non-negotiable. school is the comfort zone for the filthy politics and showbiz combined in a corporate culture. i feel that i'm done hibernating and i want my life back. i am so pressured to have that life since my mom is too much worried that i'm not working for myself. hence, finances can only last. 

i have predicted this moment months back. what if i resign and i won't deliver the task at hand on my family, i will go nowhere. and here it is. unemployed, dependent, emotional, submissive. the core characteristics opposite of me nine months ago. now i'm having anxiety. anxiety for things uncertain. my brain can't find the answer, when will i get a job and earn? or when can i have a special person to comfort me in times like this? adding the pressure my mom is telling me to quit school and do something else. she's always been the opposite. sometimes i don't know if she's thinking for my future or just acting on impulse which she always has been. my time is now. i'm an adult and i can think for myself. i hope she can understand that. 

i can't be negative today or ever. i will pass all my subjects, get a job, a boyfriend and be happy. 

3-minute triumph

i had the most humorous speech ever. i've had speeches in the past during undergrad years in my communication courses and the one that i like about is the impromptu. earlier, i had my midterm exam at business communication. it's a 3-minute impromptu speech wherein you'll be given a shot gun random question with a 5-minute preparation for organizing your thoughts. basically, it's a test on how effective you are as a speaker.

i was number 22, a pre-selected order and of all questions, my question was, "what's the most attractive part of your body? tell us why." here goes my speech. 

"good evening ms. rex, good evening classmates. my question is, 'what is the most attractive part of my body? and tell us why.' but before i say my answer, let me ask you this, what is attractive? beauty is subjective. it depends on our preference. it can be a long hair, a sexy body, a beautiful face or a beautiful skin. but for me, the most attractive part of my body is my WHR ratio or my waist-to-hip ratio. (audience startled)

there's a formula for that! you divide your waist line over your hip line and if you get .7 that means you're sexy. for males, it should be .9. so how do i know all these? i got it from a good friend of mine. actually, he's outside, mr. alvin ang (a classmate who's next to go to his speech). (then everyone laughed) 2 or 3 weeks ago, i saw him reading a book and i got fascinated by it. so i borrowed it from him. the book is entitled, 'do gentlemen really prefer blondes? the science of sex, love and attraction." after reading the book, i computed my WHR and i got .7 so... (in a high pitch tone) i'm sexy!!! (everyone giggled) the reason why men get attracted to women with small waist and big or wide hips is that in an evolutionary and biological way, it means fertility and youth. for males, women get attracted to men from torso to up. (then i saw the yellow flag which means 3 minutes is up!)

so! to answer the question what is the most attractive part of my body? my answer is my WHR which is .7." 

then i went straight to the comfort room! when i got back, some of my classmates were appreciative and gave me congratulatory remarks. then i got the judged scores from the prof right after my speech.

criteria for judging:

content - perfect

organization - perfect

language use - perfect

delivery - minus one point

total audience impact - perfect 

with a total score of 99% :D

strengths (remarks): 

-insightful and informative

-attractive stage presence

-free, spontaneous and natural gesture

-expressive face

-clear enunciation 

-logical flow of ideas

-clear, distinct INTRO-BODY-CONCLUSION

the winner takes it all. bow. :)

holiday monday

what i don't do bores me and what i do exhausts me. 

can i just have a middle-ground for me to say i am satisfied?

doing nothing makes me sane and crazy.

sane for being too relaxed and crazy for thinking a lot of things. 

no man is an island they say but sometimes i am the island.

i can't wait to get out of this hole for me to be whole.

i can feel it nearing, sensing it already in my bones.

that is why i hate uncertainties. 

hoping for something not sure makes my brain tingle. 

but what can i do? 

nothing. 

history sunday

okay. i have awaken from my emotional turmoil. it's my hormone who is talking so yes, i'm back to my rational self again. i woke up, turned the tv on to history channel. i love history. it makes my imagination run wild. what if i was born during those times where there is no technology. i don't think i can live with that. i can't last a day without internet. it must be boring unless i was a royal surrounded by hot knights and noble men. okay okay. back to now. history lets you understand your culture and behavior. 

someday, i'll see those temples, pyramids, paintings, monuments and artifacts. i studied art in college and only knew about modern art through local artists. i have encountered the world's priciest pieces of art through projected powerpoint sheets. someday i'll visit louvre, guggenheim, van gogh, the met, etc. yes, paris and new york will be waiting for me. for now, i'm sticking to the tube where i can see those i can't see in live action.

just to be clear. i'm not in anyway related to history channel. i'm just a fan of them. :)

hopeless

why do your face flash before me?

quite do long for your company.

i can't focus when you're beside me.

it's very unusual for a confident lady like me.

i can talk vividly and spontaneously.

but with you, i can't speak of any.

sometimes i wonder if i should be thinking this.

and ponder on things like these.

should i continue and analyze?

for a hopeless case who romanticize. 

now, my world is crashed.

because i don't know which path to clash. 

according to adele, 'should i give up?

or should i just keep chasing pavements?

even if it leads nowhere?'

i don't want to predict the future.

for it is always ambiguous and unsure. 

but my spirit is anticipating.

for a love whom i'm waiting. 

imma rider

some things in life are free. or maybe it's because of my good social skills so i get things for free. last week, i got a guest pass at fitness first platinum with my new classmate because i mentioned to her to get me in and i was surprised that she readily asked me when she found out it's open weekend at her gym. it totally made my day. my first time to join body jam and yes, i enjoyed myself so much that i was at the front in that hip-hop dance aerobics class and used the haute bathroom's sauna. talk about abuse of benefit! 

with homeworks, especially in accounting, i ask my classmates to teach me or answer it for me because i'm totally clueless and good thing they are more than willing to help. and there are the birthdays that you get to be invited. just the other day, i had few drinks with my another classmate of mine at distillery and took free booze with her friends. i thank God for giving me the gift the gab and social trustworthiness or else i'm broke. 

i am in my most cautious financial life. since being dependent means being tied down with your sponsor which in my case is my mom, i have to live within my means. i've cut on going out and drinking which means a good thing -- diet and bad thing -- i don't see much of my friends or else my mom goes crazy when i go home late at night. my life's pretty complicated. if i do this, i'll end up having this and when i go that way, the result is that. sometimes it's lonely and sometimes it's ecstasy. but i'm used it to it. i'm a loner but a social butterfly in disguise. 

when great expectations go wrong

there's a school of thought who says that you will get it when you least expect it and there's another one who says that you will get it when you always think about it to attract it. it does work to some material things. but to immaterial mundane things like love, it's not the case. it's not the world of star wars, love can't be forced and never will be. 

my symptom of assertiveness and short longing kicks in. a spoiled brat syndrome who always wants to get what she wants. i realized that i'm only making myself suffer. hoping for something that's not there. every time. it's an old story repeating itself. enlightenment sinked in to stop. i should focus on the things that i'm supposed to be doing.

i believe in God's mysterious ways. maybe or maybe not he will give me this time. of course it depends on the course of action i will be taking. so i say chill for when it vapors, i'll be able to savor and taste that gift. 

deception point

disturbing. alarming. deceit. foolishness. are the words that i can only think of right now. i told a top secret to a considered good friend of mine because i cannot bare to not let her know since she can be involved in the future too and the exchanged confession with that man struck me. i knew there was something going on with her and him. i wasn't that blind to see. apparently their one time affair happened when i wasn't in the picture yet. what made me feel disgust is that that they toyed my innocence and naivete. we three would hangout and eventually him playing his moves with me and her pushing me to him. then i fell for him and her secretly hating me because the truth is she fell in love with him too. if she was a true friend, she would have warned me instead of forcing me to him and giving ideas that he might have liked me too. this all happened when i was new, chaste and pure. they were my demons playing angels in disguise. 

there never was an intimate relation with him but what's most hurtful is the emotional. i couldn't bare to understand then why he won't pursue me when he already is and then he'll pull back and flirt other girls. now i do understand. he could not afford in his guilt and conscience to toy an innocent and pure. he didn't know but he tortured my feelings. but after all that, i have forgiven. who am i not to forgive. but i never forget. then i changed into some other person. we became friends when i thought it's all past and done. but certain cracks can never be repaired. i can only feel disgust for him now. i pity the girl he's with now who would not claim him in public because he took that girl from her lover. and the girl is guilty of that fact and could not bare gossips around her. 

i'm glad that it all came to my senses. even with the guy who thinks that he's a conqueror and i was his conquest. and the man who won't commit and thinks that i'm just here waiting for him. like in a shakespearean play, they are all tragedies. i'm in mourning for having such bad relationships. and i believe in retribution. i'm impatient for not having any kind of romantic relationship but i think now God has his way to let me open my eyes that needed time. i'm praying that the next one to arrive is true and sincere. i'm done with deception, lies and false hope. this is how to learn it, the hard way. 

emotion

i have gone soft. i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. i used to have a heart of a rock and known as the tough bitch/lady at work. but since i'm out of the corporate jungle for nine months now, my life stopped as well. i'm in this dreamy but in real life scenario wherein i don't have to deal with daily stress and have all the time in the world when before i had no time for myself even a second. 

but i'm really bored now. i need to work and have a life and earn for a living. i don't enjoy dependency to my family. i'm now open for love and finding my one true love when before i reject the idea. i'm now more affectionate to others when before i don't care but only to my interest. i read a prayer asking the Lord to teach us to be patient and knowing that patience will prepare us when the right time comes. so i will keep this prayer until then but i hope it's not too far. 

reformation

what's the difference of change and pretentious? i've changed my ways and kept my year's resolution. my mom is a big factor in this whole thing. it's true when they say that 'mothers knows best.' she pulled me off when i was a bit astray. early this year, she talked to me and told me things that i should be doing and then she said, 'do you understand me?' i couldn't say no but it really was no. everything that she said was a blur. then finally it hit me. that's when i had the big twilight zone. 

she said to me about normality in life. but what is normal anyway? for a liberal thinker like me, nothing is normal. it's just a standard set by society. but since i live in that system, i should abide. normal life includes finding a good husband to support you and a prim and proper lady should not be acting wild. i'm sure she's fully aware of my then activities that were all abnormalities at her sight. 

it scares me when i get to hold of myself again and be independent and totally in control. since no one controls me, the sky is the limit. i wasn't ultimately bad, there was no drugs and violence involved but i am guilty of sex, party and lies. i never listened to anyone's advice and my mom couldn't control me for i am an adult. but the thing is i was not acting one. 

now, i feel reformed. but sometimes i feel pretentious of having this image of innocence when i'm totally not. some friends who knew me in that crazy age, doesn't understand me. and asks me even 'if this is what i want?' or 'are you happy?' i feel i'm over it but sometimes i miss it. it's not as if i'm nearing 30s. but my point of view now is more of stability. i want a stable job which i am in search of and a stable serious relationship which i'm still waiting for. i'm done with everything short-term. 

contemplation

after 2 months of being at the graduate business school. is this really for me? is this really what i want? i think my life would be simpler and happier without financial accounting in a difficult level mode. i think accounting should be taught in simpler ways on how to count your money since we are non-accountants. it does help if the prof would actually teach. i should have listened to my friend to take another prof even if it's on a saturday. 

slowly, i'm learning through self-study. i am frustrated for getting low grades in quizzes and homeworks. it's not my forte. in fact, it's my weakness. but it's not an excuse. i told myself that i am taking this to challenge myself into the world where everything is new and fresh jargon. so that i can strengthen my weakness. it's a challenge indeed. 

everywhere we go there are pros and cons. and with this one, i have a realization about myself on how my brain works. well, that's every time i take a new job or career path. since i am right-brained, i realized that my left brain works through a process. i must get the feeling, experience and understanding first before i get to the analytical part. and when i'm used to that procedure, all is well. other people especially the analytical types, can get a figure or think of something logical right away. mine has to process. logical is not synonymous to rational. for analytical problems, mine has to process in a 56kb and a broadband speed in a creative, imaginative mind. but when i'm comfortable with a structure, it's all in a broadband speed. my point is i'm adjusting to this new place of uncertainty. 

if there's one thing i'm sure of is success. i should be.

after 4 weeks

it has been a month since my graduate school started. getting nearer and closer to the end of the first term. i still am adjusting to the concepts and books that are new to me. for the first weeks in financial accounting, i was so clueless. i am like a kid in a new playground discovering untouched turf of her existence. managerial statistics is just like in college except now it's high tech. we use excel during the class and submit it to the prof thru e-mail. then business communication. it should be easy for me because i am a communications major but the prof seems like to make it hard on us. 

i met new people and chatted with some of them. some are nice and friendly. some are cute even. i had bonding/drinking time with some. so now i'm just enjoying and hanging on til the end of the term and hopefully really learn something from it. so yeah, what do you do when you're single and unemployed? take mba. lol

lovefool

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought just stick to another man
a man that really deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, and I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

(anything but you)

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
Love me love me
I know that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

*********

oh God, i don't want to end up singing and feeling this way the next time around....

that's love

the priest's gospel awhile ago at the mass was about love. he justified that love from God is not literal but a figure of speech. he said that love can be felt from other people who cares for you like your friends. i believe i received this gift of giving love when i prayed hard for it. for i felt i was selfish from the past. i was at the church and while praying i don't understand what feeling it was but it brought me only tears. tears of overwhelm i guess. it's like the holy spirit embracing me. it was a good feeling. 

it started my feeling of love and nationalism when cory aquino passed away a week ago. i read her in books. she was a president who freed my people from a dictator and so what. i was only a month old when all those things happened. so it didn't matter to me. but i felt the love of the nation when people rallied to her coffin wherever the casket maybe, moving or not. i suddenly became part of what they have called 26 years ago, people power. i now understand what it meant. people power is a belief with a common cause amongst everyone's interest for the common good. it's all about caring with one another and being responsible to your mankind. my mom went to the wake and she said that people are very nice and smiling to one another who are strangers. that's the perfect example of love to other people in a macro level. 

another blow hit me about a personal friend around the same time. she had a traumatic experience and became sick, mentally. people message me asking what happened to her which i had no idea because she was avoiding me recently until i probed around what she has been doing. it's really painful to see a dear friend whom you are concerned about going through that kind of thing. maybe God made me her angel to help her reach her family and let them know that their daughter needs medical help, TLC and attention. since she can't do it on her own. i made out of my way to let them know and the family is so thankful to me. like what the priest have said, love is something you do for a friend who needs help without asking for anything in return. our relationship is a deep friendship and she was my cheerleader in my rock bottom. she openly say to other people that she loves me because she's that person. and it all changed. i have no access to her so it's time for me to be her cheerleader even if we don't talk. i may not be vocal but my actions and prayers are with her. 

i have a hard time being vocal about love. even to my parents. i know that God loves all of us. so i'm praying and hoping that on the right time and His willingness, i will know how to say love to that one person who's coming on his way for me. 

late bloomer

what do you do when you need an emotional support from somebody and that person is someone who cannot give you anything? or maybe you're hanging onto the air? the answer is simply nothing. no matter how positive and hopeful i try to be, i still get knocked by reality with the feeling of lonesome. that's when i get closer to the person up above. maybe He lets me feel this way to call Him. 

i'm the social butterfly trapped in her own cocoon. two or three years ago, i got shattered when i read a survey in cosmo the measure of success to a woman's life. it consists of two major points, career and love. i never knew back then that love is a measure of success. i grew up being career-oriented and dreaming of becoming wealthy so i can have a good life and that's it. i felt such a failure not knowing such. if only i have known or someone had preached me, i could have worked for it early on somehow or made it a goal even. but how do we actually work for a non-existent love? i blocked on my brain the part where i had unrequited loves. with an s. but that's what makes life exciting. you won't know what will happen if you don't risk anything. you have a plan but that is only ideal. action is constant and unpredictable. 

i've sunken the feeling of love in the abyss of time. i am re-discovering that it's not love when there's no pain. i was so afraid of pain that it kept me from pulling back. but i have to conquer that phobia and go through life. so yes, i am positive. i now acknowledge that i need love from someone who i can reciprocate it with. i'm praying and wishful thinking for that person to come to me. maturity will really change your outlook in life. i think it's not too late to ponder on things like these. my life is just starting. 

i'm on a high!

no, it's not drugs... it's my first week at the business school and lovin it! business is in my blood. literally. from my lola's store whom dad and uncles used to work as a kid instead of them playing outside. all of them became successful businessmen. my dad's company was my playground when i was 5. and i thought then the name of the company was 'hello APT' because that's what i hear from the office secretary. fast forward to college. my summers are not spent at beaches and clubs but there. i was required and would negotiate my salary to my dad. i often got what i wanted as a kid but it takes strategizing and justifying to him. he's like a client that i had to please for him to give it to me. realizing now, i wasn't spoiled after all. he taught me how to propose and sell an idea. so it's already dealing and practice.

he loved it whenever i do negotiations with him. he really was a good marketer and see trends in advance. he forecasts goods and economies and would tell me. like i remember clearly when he bought a toyota vios, he told me 'after 5 years vios will become a common taxi car' and i said, 'how do you know?' he just said, 'just believe me, it will.' and it eventually did. and he has other business trend insights that he usually shares to me. little did i know he was already the VP for marketing in the corporate world then he left and started his own when i wasn't born yet. so he had two babies in 1986. me and the company. 

i don't want to be an employee forever. i got that idea from him too. even my queen-tude. lol he was doing a project that was something big and told me, 'if this happens you will be the something queen and you will become a very rich woman even your grandchildren's.' then he started to get sick. maybe that was meant to happen because the project pushed through 3 years ago and it was really big but until now instead of profits the owners earned losses and still paying liabilities at taxes. still God is good. he had another option as a normal businessman, when he knew he won't take long. it could have been a good project for the both of us but time forbade. it's never implemented. so it's something i still have to do. i think it's my purpose in life to fulfill that agreement and that's what he wanted me to do too. 

my ultimate experience

it's ultimate, not frisbee. i said to a friend but she's stiff that it's frisbee so i just said, fine. it's been a while since i had any actual sport since i'm not born sporty anyway. the farthest sport i have is an indoor gym with a treadmill, a spinning class and a sporadic sparring session with a real boxer. oh, i was once into martial arts in my senior year in high school for the fact that i don't want to be bleached under the sun in a military uniform holding a dummy rifle and being screamed at by a co-student. and i want the real shooting range. so there i was an instant aikido player. 

back to ultimate, it's like football, it's just that obviously you use your hands. you're in the field running back and forth throwing and catching discs. the objective of the game is to reach at your team's end zone to score a point. the only trick is that you can't run holding a disc just like basketball, you have to throw it right away. it's fun and really tiring. i get competitive and a perfectionist that i want to get the right form and stunts right away. but it's my first day anyway. 

my father once asked me in grade 4 if i want to learn how to play golf. i said, 'no dad because i might get dark.' i have an under-the-sun phobia by having a fear of getting a darker complexion. so i guess i'll continue ultimate as long as my color hasn't changed. 

conversations with a stranger

i just had the most interesting conversation that lasted for 30 minutes. actually, the best and the worst conversation you will ever have is with a complete stranger. try being stuck with a person that you met for the first time for hours then just talk about anything and you'll be surprised. it may happen in instances where you're waiting in line or traveling or simply anything that makes your time idle. 

the friendly character is always the taxi driver. i have a lot of tales from them that i can now write a book. they are the real gossip boys. not boy abunda. (lol) the worst one that i'll never forget was when i was on my way to makati from quezon city that usually takes 2 hours because of the traffic. it was the usual early morning to work except that i had a bad headache thanks to my heavy drunkenness the night before. so there i was, trying to get a nap when this taxi driver started talking about social issues that i entertained because it's normal talk and i don't want to be rude. then he suddenly shifted the topic to God and Jesus Christ dissing the belief of the catholic church. only to find out, he's a preacher of some religious orthodox as if i'm watching dating daan channel. 

taxi driver 1: ..ayon sa sinabi ni hesus kay juan na nakasaad sa bibliya, itayo mo ako ng simbahan at ano ang ginawa ng katoliko?... (blah..blah).. mali ang interpretasyon!!!.....(more blah.)

me: (mute.)

it made my headache worse. 

if there's the worst, there's also the best. as i was on my home from cubao that can only take around 30 minutes, i took a taxi. the taxi is old that you can smell the LPG from the outside.

the driver is the typical, wearing a plain white shirt that you'll know if he has not taken a bath when you enter the vehicle. he was thin, semi-white haired probably in his 40s. okay so i was stereotyping the person. until i asked if he has change for my bill and said no because he just gassed up with lpg. then suddenly we're having a conversation expressing our opinions about gas prices, economic state, political functions, international warfare, capitalism, government top secrets and other social relevant issues. i was in awe with this taxi driver with his intellect. it's as if i was talking to my sociology or political science professor. only to find out, he was a leader activist during martial law. 

taxi driver 2: alam mo ba na ang oil natin eh hindi ini import? dyan lang yan galing sa palawan. hindi lang sinasabi ng gobyerno pero matagal na yan panahon pa ni marcos....

me: talaga ho??? eh di sana mayaman na tayo kung tayo ang nag e-export ng oil!! lalo na't wala ng oil mashado sa middle east.

taxi driver 2: kung sa yaman lang, mayaman na sana tayo ngayon! eh wala eh,  nabubulsa       lang sa mga politiko.... 

me: oo nga ho eh, na sa atin lahat ng natural resources....

taxi driver 2: oo nandito lahat... oil, semento, gold, tanso... eh anong ginagawa ng gobyerno? pinapa-manage sa mga dayuhan tapos sila makikinabang... (etc..)

and so on.........

i asked if he's still active and he said he stopped. i even asked if he is or was a member of NPA. he said no!! he just said that some of his friends became members because they were wanted during martial law. so i guess he's lying that he was not. he has a superhero syndrome that when they age, they retire and live a civilian life.  

this is one thing i'm really interested about and i haven't had that kind of conversation for quite sometime now. so i glad i did with a stranger. 

mommy me

being a hostess for almost two weeks will tire you out. it includes entertaining, accompanying and treating your guests wherever daily. i wasn't able to do my gym regimen for a week and i'm now resting from fatigue. i had no me-time.

for those past weeks, i became an instant mommy of 4 equally playful nieces and nephew. you have to feed, play and talk a lot to them. adolescent is the formative years so i learned to share wisdom even if questions of a 7 and a 9 yr old are endless that you would want to give up. i sleep beside a 4 yr old or a 2 yr old which cries at night. it's really fulfilling when they appreciate the stuff that you do for them and tells you that 'you're the coolest aunt ever.' 

i now understand even if i only experienced it for just a week. i don't have to give birth to realize the hardships of a mother. i salute the moms because it's the real hard work. i used to think that career and money are IT. or being able to purchase a vuitton or a louboutin will get me to ecstasy. i saw a glimpse of a different perspective in life that i didn't really bothered to look at. i'm glad i did coz it's now another option. :)

spotted: queen j

wow it's been awhile since i have written something! family stuff made me busy. i went back to my hometown in victorias city, negros occidental to see my grandmom aged 86 and had to attend the celebration of my two tito's birthday in bacolod. 

i feel so upper east sider with the party having a press release in the local paper and featured in the local lifestyle cable channel. this is IT. ;)

how to become jovial

my day started so happy. :) good way to start off the week. i'll share my list on how to be merry.

6 simple ways on how to become jovial :)

1. have a goal on whatever. when you are nearing that goal, you are motivated ergo you feel instant gratification. 

2. embrace positive thoughts. it will be returned to you. read: law of attraction.

3. grab the mic and sing your heart out. because it's fun!

4. do something physical. like dance or workout or yeah. lol that happy feeling secreted hormone called endorphin is a fact. endorphin releases when under strenuous workouts done in a long duration such as running, swimming, boxing, aerobics, martial arts and other ball sports. 

5. eat healthy. it's also a fact that what we eat determine our mood. so eat foods rich in omega-3 fats which can be found in salmon, sardines and tuna and other fish. also beans, spinach, berries, skim milk and eggs are happy foods. 

6. have a spa. take 15 minute of your time in a sauna or steambath because it increases blood circulation and detoxifies the skin making you glow. then a massage relieves muscle pain and stress. 

with these, you'll be feeling great in no time. :)

after great pain a formal feeling comes

by emily dickinson

After great pain a formal feeling comes--
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?
And yesterday--or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow--
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

life is never fair. you get what you don't want and when you get what you want, you will want more. it's human nature. and it's crazy.

i've always used reason over feelings. but there are certain moments when your feelings overpower reason. by letting feelings win makes me weak. when that happens, i'm doomed. it doesn't matter if i have the talent to move away so quickly.  i don't understand why it always have to be one sided. 

stoicism made me live life. i've undergone different levels of  pain but when hurt comes i become cold and numb. that's the key. i haven't really let anyone reciprocate my feelings. it's a self-defense to vulnerability. as what emily said, when in pain, first you chill, then you'll feel a mental numbness or stupor, and finally you let go. 

serendipity

i'm not superstitious but i love to read and follow horoscopes. but how weird what says about me today at astrolis.com....

You will be preparing for some upcoming time off by spending some time with a book on some kind of alternative medicine, holistic treatment, or searching the Internet for a good spa. You need to give yourself a treat and the time or money will soon free up for it. 

what the hell? i did had a good spa yesterday and yeah i'm reading earlier something about herbal teas for health reasons and yeah i'm preparing for a trip to see my relatives soon. damn. 

missing link

why does everything has to be a yin and yang? can it just stay to the favorable part? in the dawn, i'm ecstatic and in the dusk, i'm down poured. a single word made my day bad. read: gossip. who doesn't love to gossip but when it comes to you it feels bad. especially when you are not there to defend yourself. i felt defeated in a war i am not present to contend. 

it's about my former unhealthy labor, code name vogue. they have accusations. my first point, i'm not stupid and never will be. as far as i know i did great and do what should be properly done. i can answer any shit hole instantly but i'm not physically there and they don't have the right to reach me so the end result is a big puzzle. second point, i'm the apprentice hence my superior should know more and should have been reliable. but that's not the case. let's not wash off our hands from responsibilities. and from what i heard madam superior has no reaction because m.s. wrote about all the negative feedback in paper black and white so she can be safe and it's not her group anymore. wow that's the leader! my third point, could they just stop pinpointing whoever just because the person left and is happily living with her own life? the sad thing is it's the culture. it's not as if it's the very first time with what happened to me. everyone goes through it. sad sad place. whatever is there, it's the responsibility of the person presently handling it because it's her job. period.

i take good care of my reputation and won't ever enter a fight unfairly. there are certain people who are just plain rude and loves to pass blame to others when technically it's none of my business. i don't take the issues in my head because they are issues. it's like telling a news story with no confirmation from the subject. isn't that bogus? i'm the missing link to the whole scene and i'm untouchable. it's a done deal so live with that. i moved on already and i hope they do too. it bothered me how unhappy these people are. i just had to release this emotional distress so i can sleep sound and good. i hope they sleep well too. 

back to basics

whoever said that 'a picture can paint a thousand words' is a true wise man. in this technological era, photos can look as if it's not the authentic one. even my graduation picture is photoshopped with eternal youth. 

so i give my standing ovation to french elle for putting celebs with no alteration. 

monica belluci with no make-up on

they should have used the original one....

lola madonna

bring it on

holiday is over. first day of work and my first triumph. i woke up really early at 6 am and jogged around the village for 40 minutes. it's a big deal for me!!! since for the past 2 weeks i woke up at noontime. hopefully i can keep going to reach my goal. so yeah, bring it! haha

i loved this movie when i was in high school when i did pep. hahaha

lady-in-waiting

funny personality quizzes are very common at facebook and i just love to answer and waste time on them. it's the surprise result that people wait for. 

so i took.. which shakespearean character would you be? drum roll.....

You are Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt, of whom was said, "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety: other women cloy the appetites they feed; but she makes hungry where most she satisfies." -------- The original Samantha (of Sex in the City), your ability to seduce lies not only in your physical beauty, but the power of your will. You have no compunctions using your sexuality to attract those in power, not only for your own pleasure, but to protect your interests. But that does not mean your aren't capable of true love. Will your desires lead to ecstacy, or ultimate doom?

fierce! fitting for a queen. :D

i took this quiz inspired by the tudors. just finished watching season 1 and i swear i'd love to go back in time if only the royal men look exactly like them. i so love their costumes and i am fascinated how it is being royal. 

yum!!!! jonathan rhys meyers as king henry viii

damn!!! henry cavill as charles brandon duke of suffolk

loveleeee!!!! pretty men is my weakness. period.

it won't be that hard to be a lady-in-waiting at court if they are your masters. hihi

optimism doesn't hurt

i used to be optimistic at all times until i worked in the real world. i've undergone despair, sorrow, anxiety and stress that was ancient to my little sheltered universe. and yes, i lost optimism. it's true what sociologists say that you adapt and acquire certain behavior in the group you are closely with. as for me, i have worked with the anna wintours in the workplace and alas... it almost made me to be one. well i won't deny that i had the inner bitch in me but it triggered more there. 

 they say she's the alter ego of the devil wears prada's miranda priestly 

since i left code name vogue, life is very easy. i won't regret ever staying and leaving. i had things that i come to know that i am capable of doing. i come to know myself more. i always like pushing myself to the limit. and it really pushed me to the maximum but had to leave anyway. now, i'm focused to myself and my well-being. so i smile and think positive. maybe that's when i'll come to know real happiness. :)

can't get enough of cici

my inspiration in having a toned body. hehehe my gym trainer said i trimmed already.. around xx pounds more to lose. haha darn why is it so hard to stay fit? but i'm happy being a health buff now. can't wait to reach my goal! :)

ciara and justin timberlake's love sex and magic.. hot!!!!



never ever.. this is my current theme song....

ally mcbeal

for the past few days, i just wanted to disappear for awhile by not being online and text up people because i felt depressed with this quarter-life crisis thing. then one afternoon, i screened over cable channels and got tuned at an old ally mcbeal episode then found myself laughing. i quickly searched for our dvd of full seasons and started to watch the first season. 

i'm a dvd addict and could could watch an entire season in one sitting. but ally mcbeal's has at least 23 episodes in one season as opposed to the normal 13 episodes in a season (according to my tv production prof). i watched some of the episodes back when i was in high school which was 10 years ago (damn i feel old!) but wasn't able to follow. it was a huge hit then before sex and the city. realizing now that the content is mature for me before that i can now relate to. ally is a 28 year old successful lawyer who is never contented with her life and her idealism to happiness is by having kids with the love of her life. throughout the 5 seasons, it presented the different views and levels of love, friendship, dating, and relationships. 

coincidentally, a friend of mine who is near her late 20s who is in a relationship told me that having one is not the key to happiness and i agreed. it's not the objective of happiness. it adds color to your life by bringing emotions of joy and pain. the true key to happiness is being content. ally is a clinically depressed woman with her funny hallucinations because she's never been contented with her life, in or out of a relationship. that's my nirvana. 

the childhood sweetheart of ally, billy whom she followed through law school and found him as her married co-worker. they became good friends but he passed away in season 3.

the funny john cage dance of barry white song

the best season for me would be season 2. ally had closure why billy broke up with her in college and her friendship deepened with the rest of the characters. there are setbacks though in the latter seasons. there's no continuing story of some characters why they were gone and the last season is too fictional having a 10 year old daughter genetically through fertility project. i most liked the script and tone. their conversations are very witty and intellectual. in the end, she didn't get the love of her life to a man but to her daughter. she moved from boston to new york analogous to moving on with her life and hopeful with love. :)

love your planet

my family cooperated with the Earth Hour that i didn't even know of that it was last night! but we did anyway closed our lights at home. it's supposed to make a stand against the effects of global warming. i am totally affected by it due to the weather change. it's supposed to be summer now and it keeps on pouring every afternoon for the past few days. so the effect on me is my dry cough which is grueling to my throat. :(

here's the official video from earthhour.org :)

i found at youtube on Earth Hour 2009 Philippines. the post result. :)

it just feels good to be socially aware and show that you care. 

spot the difference

complex magazine april/may 09

"So what: I have a little cellulite. What curvy girl doesn't!? How many people do you think are photoshopped? It happens all the time! I'm proud of my body and my curves and this picture coming out is probably helpful for everyone to see that just because I am on the cover of a magazine doesn't mean I'm perfect." -- Kim Kardashian

amen to that. it's not a little cellulite dear but i still commend you for your insights. i have a lot of that hahaha (fine i'm working hard on it!).

pinay dreamer

got this idea from my friend ana... as i was saying to another friend.. we just live once in a lifetime so you might as well set your goals high that even if you were not able to reach it, at least you will get something close to that. 

10 things i should have before 30:

1. own a business

2. million pesos savings

3. poledancing expertise and stayed being fit

4. my own pad

5. upgraded my car

6. a french speaking tongue

7. cooked meals

8. lived in a foreign country

9. own a designer wardrobe

10. tied the knot

i recommend you to this as well regardless of your age now just replace the number. it's fun! :D

my instant generation

have you even heard of 'generation y?' cool-sounding huh? next to the spice girls' pepsi jingle 'generation x.' as my intuitive self, i searched for it at wikipedia and says that this is the generation that were born from 1978 to 1995. it also described that:


The Generation Y are sometimes called the "Trophy Generation", or "Trophy Kids,"[15] a term that reflects the trend in competitive sports (as well as many other aspects of life) where "no one loses" and everyone gets a "Thanks for Participating" trophy. Although it seems that this educated, technologically advanced, success-driven generation would be ideal workers, corporate Human Resource (HR) departments are reporting the opposite"[15] Some employers are concerned that the members of Generation Y have too great expectations from the workplace and desire to shape their jobs to fit their lives rather than adapt their lives to the workplace.[16] 

--  from wikipedia.com

true enough, as the youngest in the brood and having a huge generation gap, the members of my family thinks that my job duration is bad by not sticking for more than one year which is most common in my generation. they are not aware of this 'generation y' thing that we were brought up in school where teachers taught us to be successful when you want to even as a kid. as the budding of technology arises, everything is instant. instant messaging, instant call, instant oatmeal, instant noodles, instant sandwich from fastfood chains, instant search through typing without checking the library and everything else. ergo, my generation wants everything instant. 

that's why most of us are frustrated when we can't get something right away because we're living in a world where everything is accessible. there are a lot of things that i want to do and still can't figure out which. there are so many doors to choose from. even in relationships and dating. we choose based on looks, personality, wit, etc. having a criteria and having so many options. 

sometimes i wish i lived during the renaissance so i don't have a hard time choosing where everything is set on who to marry, what you will become in the society, what your leisure will be, etc. men and women through ages fought for change, rights and freedom. but at this point in time, i can feel the very con of too much liberty. 

snoop kitty

when it comes to privacy... when and how is enough? i know celebrities, politicians or whoever made the headline always cries for it and hated paparazzi. unless they wanted the attention like paris or those who would pay in hollywood for them to get photographed and be in the tabloids. and now it has evolved if you wanna be in-the-know. the thing i can't live without next to water, the net.

a lot of stuff are going on since people really are individualists. lots of blogs and social networking popped like mushrooms. in my home for example all of us are online in real time having our own laptops or pc's and doesn't talk to one another. we just chat. sites like friendster, facebook, multiply, twitter or what-not can be a good and bad thing. i come to communicate again with long lost friends and acquaintances. i confess that i stalk people there and i'm sure some also do the same thing. but i don't like letting the whole world know what's going on with me. i need privacy.

i learned to set my facebook account's privacy setting where whatever i type on my wall will not be published or other details. i'm relieved that i do have control over what to publish or not. i love to surf and read everything i see interesting. then came google map. like a scene in james bond where they would use the satellite feed to find a wanted man. then i came across wikimapia. i am amazed how i can view the globe in top view, again like a sci-fi/action film. i naturally searched to see my own home and how i'm surprised to know. someone tagged my house with a caption of my name. it's really really creepy even if that person doesn't mean harm but the thought that anyone can find my location is way scary.

something like this at wikimapia

it's overboard that you can't even delete it. there's even a link for the 'deleted places' and you will still see the tags. some people even upload their pictures and know their locations. i don't mind if other people like it because it can be used for good then again for bad. tagging my house is snooping and i have a right to my privacy. 

what crisis?

crisis. a word that is so common today. recession in a lot of first world countries is going on because of the affluent's high maintenance of their lifestyle like a king in a third world using maximum credit bills who doesn't pay on time. it's a domino effect since we live in a global village. 

here in my third world, nothing exaggeratedly changed. except for those who work overseas or those who enslave themselves for multinational ones. last that i know of around november 2008 when i was still in advertising, studies shown that nearly 80% of 88 million people in the philippines are considered poor. meaning they are those who live in the provinces and slums. we are used to being poor and i thank God that at this time and age, poverty saved us from the rest of the world. 

my family's small business was affected by the asian economic crisis in 1997 since we import goods from hongkong who imports from japan. to the point that we are still struggling to come back to its prime. we roughly lost around php 17,000,000.00 ($ 6.8M). at that time, it was big. i was living a princess' life in an underdeveloped country until we're hit by the crisis. my dad provided me with everything and spoiled me from all the material luxuries and lifestyle a girl can have. then as the years progress, we never felt we lost that hard because my dad was a very jolly person. i never felt it. although we had to cut back on buying things and lessened our dining out and shopping. we grew up okay but i sometimes wonder what if that crisis never happened. could i had the chance to study abroad or yearly vacation overseas. hence, my parents did provide me well. of course, it's not all about the money. 

lately i've been contemplating about a lot of stuff. am i actually in a quarter-life crisis? so i typed in at wikipedia and found a checklist.

on emotional aspects... characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

•  feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level -- check
  
• frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career -- check, check, check 
  
• confusion of identity -- oh i very much know myself
  
• insecurity regarding the near future -- check
  
• insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals -- check
  
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments -- nah im proud of it
  
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships -- check. you really don't know who are sincere versus the plastics until you really get to know them.
  
• disappointment with one's job -- uber check
  
• nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life -- check. maybe that's why i want to take my mba.
  
• tendency to hold stronger opinions -- check. i'm just opinionated with almost everything.
  
• boredom with social interactions -- not with social interactions. i'm just way bored.
  
• loss of closeness to high school and college friends -- i stay in touch with very few selected ones. hi to my college friend maan who said she's an avid fan of this blog. :)
  
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.) -- so check
• loneliness -- check.....
• desire to have children -- check. omg. 
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you -- i don't care about other people's business

i agree in 11 out of the 16 statements. so i am and i don't know the cure. i am praying that i'll get over this and pick up the little pieces for it to be whole again. to those who pretty much feels the same way, pat your shoulders from me, i know it'll be alright. :)

"if i was a rich girl.. no man can test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end cause i'd have all the money in the world if i was a wealthy girl.." -- gwen stefani

love thyself

how far will one person go in the name of beauty? well one, you must have money. the sessions are quite expensive. i was offered a cheap liposuction but i never liked the idea to go under the knife and i'm afraid of not needles but the surgery. i'd rather pay for the pricey laser treatments than that. then again it's a matter of the moolah which i barely have. 

i have insecurities in my body, of course i'm a woman. but i don't feel bad about it. i wish it were like this or that but i'm okay with it. i eat sweets and other junk food and then make sure to burn it all in an hour of grueling sauna-like bicycling room. i'm stepping up the challenge to myself to do again the phase 1 of southbeach diet which i've been prolonging to do. it means no carbs for 2 weeks which will make me hot-tempered and hot-headed. it's going to be a detox and a withdrawal syndrome when you take away the sweets away from me. 

oh sugar and starch, i have to avoid you for 2 weeks for me to achieve my goal. the anticipated result is for me not to crave for you. synonymous if i want to forget somebody. it just takes time. but i'm sure of the end result... hell great. 

philippine islands

singing *it's getting hot in herrreee* from nelly's famed song years back. yes, it's getting hotter and hotter in my beloved country specially the months of april and may. people flock to the beaches and getting ready to show off their toned bodies. due to the more than 7000 islands in the philippines, there are so many places i still haven't seen since i grew up in the city. 

the most famous is boracay island in aklan because of it's white sand beaches and parties with clubs and bars at the stretch of the beachfront patterned after bora-bora, ibiza. 

this is where i last stayed and i loved it so much because it's beachfront

there are many beautiful places to go to and here is my top destination list that i have yet to see:

>> amanpulo resort at pamalican island, palawan --- it's part of the aman luxury resorts worldwide and rumored that tom cruise and other hollywood stars had been there. such an irony that locals have to pay in dollars and a lot cannot afford to step in this island. must be really heaven. 

amanpulo

>> panglao island, bohol --- another white sand... i'd love to swim here.

eskaya resort beachfront

>> mactan island, cebu --- it is said that the europeans back in the 1500s first stepped here.. the legendary ferdinand magellan. so now it's known for it's luxury resorts. 

the only hilton cebu resort and spa

>> camiguin island, mindanao --- i'd love to go back to camiguin. the last time i was here, i really appreciated mother nature for giving such lovely place. 

this is called the white island 

you can only see it whenever it's low tide and back to the sea when it's high tide

katibawasan falls

i remember swimming here and it's so beautiful

for more visual pleasure check these out! :D

commercial shown in cnn 3 years back

wowphilippines 5-minute avp

i quote: "we're oriental and western too.." 

so true.. a melting pot of malay, chinese, american, spanish and japanese cultures. that's the filipino culture.