reformation

what's the difference of change and pretentious? i've changed my ways and kept my year's resolution. my mom is a big factor in this whole thing. it's true when they say that 'mothers knows best.' she pulled me off when i was a bit astray. early this year, she talked to me and told me things that i should be doing and then she said, 'do you understand me?' i couldn't say no but it really was no. everything that she said was a blur. then finally it hit me. that's when i had the big twilight zone. 

she said to me about normality in life. but what is normal anyway? for a liberal thinker like me, nothing is normal. it's just a standard set by society. but since i live in that system, i should abide. normal life includes finding a good husband to support you and a prim and proper lady should not be acting wild. i'm sure she's fully aware of my then activities that were all abnormalities at her sight. 

it scares me when i get to hold of myself again and be independent and totally in control. since no one controls me, the sky is the limit. i wasn't ultimately bad, there was no drugs and violence involved but i am guilty of sex, party and lies. i never listened to anyone's advice and my mom couldn't control me for i am an adult. but the thing is i was not acting one. 

now, i feel reformed. but sometimes i feel pretentious of having this image of innocence when i'm totally not. some friends who knew me in that crazy age, doesn't understand me. and asks me even 'if this is what i want?' or 'are you happy?' i feel i'm over it but sometimes i miss it. it's not as if i'm nearing 30s. but my point of view now is more of stability. i want a stable job which i am in search of and a stable serious relationship which i'm still waiting for. i'm done with everything short-term.