deception point

disturbing. alarming. deceit. foolishness. are the words that i can only think of right now. i told a top secret to a considered good friend of mine because i cannot bare to not let her know since she can be involved in the future too and the exchanged confession with that man struck me. i knew there was something going on with her and him. i wasn't that blind to see. apparently their one time affair happened when i wasn't in the picture yet. what made me feel disgust is that that they toyed my innocence and naivete. we three would hangout and eventually him playing his moves with me and her pushing me to him. then i fell for him and her secretly hating me because the truth is she fell in love with him too. if she was a true friend, she would have warned me instead of forcing me to him and giving ideas that he might have liked me too. this all happened when i was new, chaste and pure. they were my demons playing angels in disguise. 

there never was an intimate relation with him but what's most hurtful is the emotional. i couldn't bare to understand then why he won't pursue me when he already is and then he'll pull back and flirt other girls. now i do understand. he could not afford in his guilt and conscience to toy an innocent and pure. he didn't know but he tortured my feelings. but after all that, i have forgiven. who am i not to forgive. but i never forget. then i changed into some other person. we became friends when i thought it's all past and done. but certain cracks can never be repaired. i can only feel disgust for him now. i pity the girl he's with now who would not claim him in public because he took that girl from her lover. and the girl is guilty of that fact and could not bare gossips around her. 

i'm glad that it all came to my senses. even with the guy who thinks that he's a conqueror and i was his conquest. and the man who won't commit and thinks that i'm just here waiting for him. like in a shakespearean play, they are all tragedies. i'm in mourning for having such bad relationships. and i believe in retribution. i'm impatient for not having any kind of romantic relationship but i think now God has his way to let me open my eyes that needed time. i'm praying that the next one to arrive is true and sincere. i'm done with deception, lies and false hope. this is how to learn it, the hard way.