there's a school of thought who says that you will get it when you least expect it and there's another one who says that you will get it when you always think about it to attract it. it does work to some material things. but to immaterial mundane things like love, it's not the case. it's not the world of star wars, love can't be forced and never will be.
my symptom of assertiveness and short longing kicks in. a spoiled brat syndrome who always wants to get what she wants. i realized that i'm only making myself suffer. hoping for something that's not there. every time. it's an old story repeating itself. enlightenment sinked in to stop. i should focus on the things that i'm supposed to be doing.
i believe in God's mysterious ways. maybe or maybe not he will give me this time. of course it depends on the course of action i will be taking. so i say chill for when it vapors, i'll be able to savor and taste that gift.
disturbing. alarming. deceit. foolishness. are the words that i can only think of right now. i told a top secret to a considered good friend of mine because i cannot bare to not let her know since she can be involved in the future too and the exchanged confession with that man struck me. i knew there was something going on with her and him. i wasn't that blind to see. apparently their one time affair happened when i wasn't in the picture yet. what made me feel disgust is that that they toyed my innocence and naivete. we three would hangout and eventually him playing his moves with me and her pushing me to him. then i fell for him and her secretly hating me because the truth is she fell in love with him too. if she was a true friend, she would have warned me instead of forcing me to him and giving ideas that he might have liked me too. this all happened when i was new, chaste and pure. they were my demons playing angels in disguise.
there never was an intimate relation with him but what's most hurtful is the emotional. i couldn't bare to understand then why he won't pursue me when he already is and then he'll pull back and flirt other girls. now i do understand. he could not afford in his guilt and conscience to toy an innocent and pure. he didn't know but he tortured my feelings. but after all that, i have forgiven. who am i not to forgive. but i never forget. then i changed into some other person. we became friends when i thought it's all past and done. but certain cracks can never be repaired. i can only feel disgust for him now. i pity the girl he's with now who would not claim him in public because he took that girl from her lover. and the girl is guilty of that fact and could not bare gossips around her.
i'm glad that it all came to my senses. even with the guy who thinks that he's a conqueror and i was his conquest. and the man who won't commit and thinks that i'm just here waiting for him. like in a shakespearean play, they are all tragedies. i'm in mourning for having such bad relationships. and i believe in retribution. i'm impatient for not having any kind of romantic relationship but i think now God has his way to let me open my eyes that needed time. i'm praying that the next one to arrive is true and sincere. i'm done with deception, lies and false hope. this is how to learn it, the hard way.
i have gone soft. i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. i used to have a heart of a rock and known as the tough bitch/lady at work. but since i'm out of the corporate jungle for nine months now, my life stopped as well. i'm in this dreamy but in real life scenario wherein i don't have to deal with daily stress and have all the time in the world when before i had no time for myself even a second.
but i'm really bored now. i need to work and have a life and earn for a living. i don't enjoy dependency to my family. i'm now open for love and finding my one true love when before i reject the idea. i'm now more affectionate to others when before i don't care but only to my interest. i read a prayer asking the Lord to teach us to be patient and knowing that patience will prepare us when the right time comes. so i will keep this prayer until then but i hope it's not too far.
what's the difference of change and pretentious? i've changed my ways and kept my year's resolution. my mom is a big factor in this whole thing. it's true when they say that 'mothers knows best.' she pulled me off when i was a bit astray. early this year, she talked to me and told me things that i should be doing and then she said, 'do you understand me?' i couldn't say no but it really was no. everything that she said was a blur. then finally it hit me. that's when i had the big twilight zone.
she said to me about normality in life. but what is normal anyway? for a liberal thinker like me, nothing is normal. it's just a standard set by society. but since i live in that system, i should abide. normal life includes finding a good husband to support you and a prim and proper lady should not be acting wild. i'm sure she's fully aware of my then activities that were all abnormalities at her sight.
it scares me when i get to hold of myself again and be independent and totally in control. since no one controls me, the sky is the limit. i wasn't ultimately bad, there was no drugs and violence involved but i am guilty of sex, party and lies. i never listened to anyone's advice and my mom couldn't control me for i am an adult. but the thing is i was not acting one.
now, i feel reformed. but sometimes i feel pretentious of having this image of innocence when i'm totally not. some friends who knew me in that crazy age, doesn't understand me. and asks me even 'if this is what i want?' or 'are you happy?' i feel i'm over it but sometimes i miss it. it's not as if i'm nearing 30s. but my point of view now is more of stability. i want a stable job which i am in search of and a stable serious relationship which i'm still waiting for. i'm done with everything short-term.
after 2 months of being at the graduate business school. is this really for me? is this really what i want? i think my life would be simpler and happier without financial accounting in a difficult level mode. i think accounting should be taught in simpler ways on how to count your money since we are non-accountants. it does help if the prof would actually teach. i should have listened to my friend to take another prof even if it's on a saturday.
slowly, i'm learning through self-study. i am frustrated for getting low grades in quizzes and homeworks. it's not my forte. in fact, it's my weakness. but it's not an excuse. i told myself that i am taking this to challenge myself into the world where everything is new and fresh jargon. so that i can strengthen my weakness. it's a challenge indeed.
everywhere we go there are pros and cons. and with this one, i have a realization about myself on how my brain works. well, that's every time i take a new job or career path. since i am right-brained, i realized that my left brain works through a process. i must get the feeling, experience and understanding first before i get to the analytical part. and when i'm used to that procedure, all is well. other people especially the analytical types, can get a figure or think of something logical right away. mine has to process. logical is not synonymous to rational. for analytical problems, mine has to process in a 56kb and a broadband speed in a creative, imaginative mind. but when i'm comfortable with a structure, it's all in a broadband speed. my point is i'm adjusting to this new place of uncertainty.
if there's one thing i'm sure of is success. i should be.
it has been a month since my graduate school started. getting nearer and closer to the end of the first term. i still am adjusting to the concepts and books that are new to me. for the first weeks in financial accounting, i was so clueless. i am like a kid in a new playground discovering untouched turf of her existence. managerial statistics is just like in college except now it's high tech. we use excel during the class and submit it to the prof thru e-mail. then business communication. it should be easy for me because i am a communications major but the prof seems like to make it hard on us.
i met new people and chatted with some of them. some are nice and friendly. some are cute even. i had bonding/drinking time with some. so now i'm just enjoying and hanging on til the end of the term and hopefully really learn something from it. so yeah, what do you do when you're single and unemployed? take mba. lol
Dear, I fear we're facing a problem you love me no longer, I know and maybe there is nothing that I can do to make you do Mama tells me I shouldn't bother that I ought just stick to another man a man that really deserves me but I think you do!
So I cry, and I pray and I beg
Love me love me say that you love me fool me fool me go on and fool me love me love me pretend that you love me lead me lead me just say that you need me
So I cried, and I begged for you to Love me love me say that you love me lead me lead me just say that you need me I can't care about anything but you
Lately I have desperately pondered, spent my nights awake and I wonder what I could have done in another way to make you stay Reason will not reach a solution I will end up lost in confusion I don't care if you really care as long as you don't go
So I cry, I pray and I beg
Love me love me say that you love me fool me fool me go on and fool me love me love me pretend that you love me lead me lead me just say that you need me
So I cried, and I begged for you to Love me love me say that you love me lead me lead me just say that you need me I can't care about anything but you
(anything but you)
Love me love me say that you love me fool me fool me go on and fool me Love me love me I know that you need me I can't care about anything but you
*********
oh God, i don't want to end up singing and feeling this way the next time around....
the priest's gospel awhile ago at the mass was about love. he justified that love from God is not literal but a figure of speech. he said that love can be felt from other people who cares for you like your friends. i believe i received this gift of giving love when i prayed hard for it. for i felt i was selfish from the past. i was at the church and while praying i don't understand what feeling it was but it brought me only tears. tears of overwhelm i guess. it's like the holy spirit embracing me. it was a good feeling.
it started my feeling of love and nationalism when cory aquino passed away a week ago. i read her in books. she was a president who freed my people from a dictator and so what. i was only a month old when all those things happened. so it didn't matter to me. but i felt the love of the nation when people rallied to her coffin wherever the casket maybe, moving or not. i suddenly became part of what they have called 26 years ago, people power. i now understand what it meant. people power is a belief with a common cause amongst everyone's interest for the common good. it's all about caring with one another and being responsible to your mankind. my mom went to the wake and she said that people are very nice and smiling to one another who are strangers. that's the perfect example of love to other people in a macro level.
another blow hit me about a personal friend around the same time. she had a traumatic experience and became sick, mentally. people message me asking what happened to her which i had no idea because she was avoiding me recently until i probed around what she has been doing. it's really painful to see a dear friend whom you are concerned about going through that kind of thing. maybe God made me her angel to help her reach her family and let them know that their daughter needs medical help, TLC and attention. since she can't do it on her own. i made out of my way to let them know and the family is so thankful to me. like what the priest have said, love is something you do for a friend who needs help without asking for anything in return. our relationship is a deep friendship and she was my cheerleader in my rock bottom. she openly say to other people that she loves me because she's that person. and it all changed. i have no access to her so it's time for me to be her cheerleader even if we don't talk. i may not be vocal but my actions and prayers are with her.
i have a hard time being vocal about love. even to my parents. i know that God loves all of us. so i'm praying and hoping that on the right time and His willingness, i will know how to say love to that one person who's coming on his way for me.
what do you do when you need an emotional support from somebody and that person is someone who cannot give you anything? or maybe you're hanging onto the air? the answer is simply nothing. no matter how positive and hopeful i try to be, i still get knocked by reality with the feeling of lonesome. that's when i get closer to the person up above. maybe He lets me feel this way to call Him.
i'm the social butterfly trapped in her own cocoon. two or three years ago, i got shattered when i read a survey in cosmo the measure of success to a woman's life. it consists of two major points, career and love. i never knew back then that love is a measure of success. i grew up being career-oriented and dreaming of becoming wealthy so i can have a good life and that's it. i felt such a failure not knowing such. if only i have known or someone had preached me, i could have worked for it early on somehow or made it a goal even. but how do we actually work for a non-existent love? i blocked on my brain the part where i had unrequited loves. with an s. but that's what makes life exciting. you won't know what will happen if you don't risk anything. you have a plan but that is only ideal. action is constant and unpredictable.
i've sunken the feeling of love in the abyss of time. i am re-discovering that it's not love when there's no pain. i was so afraid of pain that it kept me from pulling back. but i have to conquer that phobia and go through life. so yes, i am positive. i now acknowledge that i need love from someone who i can reciprocate it with. i'm praying and wishful thinking for that person to come to me. maturity will really change your outlook in life. i think it's not too late to ponder on things like these. my life is just starting.
