that's love

the priest's gospel awhile ago at the mass was about love. he justified that love from God is not literal but a figure of speech. he said that love can be felt from other people who cares for you like your friends. i believe i received this gift of giving love when i prayed hard for it. for i felt i was selfish from the past. i was at the church and while praying i don't understand what feeling it was but it brought me only tears. tears of overwhelm i guess. it's like the holy spirit embracing me. it was a good feeling. 

it started my feeling of love and nationalism when cory aquino passed away a week ago. i read her in books. she was a president who freed my people from a dictator and so what. i was only a month old when all those things happened. so it didn't matter to me. but i felt the love of the nation when people rallied to her coffin wherever the casket maybe, moving or not. i suddenly became part of what they have called 26 years ago, people power. i now understand what it meant. people power is a belief with a common cause amongst everyone's interest for the common good. it's all about caring with one another and being responsible to your mankind. my mom went to the wake and she said that people are very nice and smiling to one another who are strangers. that's the perfect example of love to other people in a macro level. 

another blow hit me about a personal friend around the same time. she had a traumatic experience and became sick, mentally. people message me asking what happened to her which i had no idea because she was avoiding me recently until i probed around what she has been doing. it's really painful to see a dear friend whom you are concerned about going through that kind of thing. maybe God made me her angel to help her reach her family and let them know that their daughter needs medical help, TLC and attention. since she can't do it on her own. i made out of my way to let them know and the family is so thankful to me. like what the priest have said, love is something you do for a friend who needs help without asking for anything in return. our relationship is a deep friendship and she was my cheerleader in my rock bottom. she openly say to other people that she loves me because she's that person. and it all changed. i have no access to her so it's time for me to be her cheerleader even if we don't talk. i may not be vocal but my actions and prayers are with her. 

i have a hard time being vocal about love. even to my parents. i know that God loves all of us. so i'm praying and hoping that on the right time and His willingness, i will know how to say love to that one person who's coming on his way for me. 

late bloomer

what do you do when you need an emotional support from somebody and that person is someone who cannot give you anything? or maybe you're hanging onto the air? the answer is simply nothing. no matter how positive and hopeful i try to be, i still get knocked by reality with the feeling of lonesome. that's when i get closer to the person up above. maybe He lets me feel this way to call Him. 

i'm the social butterfly trapped in her own cocoon. two or three years ago, i got shattered when i read a survey in cosmo the measure of success to a woman's life. it consists of two major points, career and love. i never knew back then that love is a measure of success. i grew up being career-oriented and dreaming of becoming wealthy so i can have a good life and that's it. i felt such a failure not knowing such. if only i have known or someone had preached me, i could have worked for it early on somehow or made it a goal even. but how do we actually work for a non-existent love? i blocked on my brain the part where i had unrequited loves. with an s. but that's what makes life exciting. you won't know what will happen if you don't risk anything. you have a plan but that is only ideal. action is constant and unpredictable. 

i've sunken the feeling of love in the abyss of time. i am re-discovering that it's not love when there's no pain. i was so afraid of pain that it kept me from pulling back. but i have to conquer that phobia and go through life. so yes, i am positive. i now acknowledge that i need love from someone who i can reciprocate it with. i'm praying and wishful thinking for that person to come to me. maturity will really change your outlook in life. i think it's not too late to ponder on things like these. my life is just starting. 

i'm on a high!

no, it's not drugs... it's my first week at the business school and lovin it! business is in my blood. literally. from my lola's store whom dad and uncles used to work as a kid instead of them playing outside. all of them became successful businessmen. my dad's company was my playground when i was 5. and i thought then the name of the company was 'hello APT' because that's what i hear from the office secretary. fast forward to college. my summers are not spent at beaches and clubs but there. i was required and would negotiate my salary to my dad. i often got what i wanted as a kid but it takes strategizing and justifying to him. he's like a client that i had to please for him to give it to me. realizing now, i wasn't spoiled after all. he taught me how to propose and sell an idea. so it's already dealing and practice.

he loved it whenever i do negotiations with him. he really was a good marketer and see trends in advance. he forecasts goods and economies and would tell me. like i remember clearly when he bought a toyota vios, he told me 'after 5 years vios will become a common taxi car' and i said, 'how do you know?' he just said, 'just believe me, it will.' and it eventually did. and he has other business trend insights that he usually shares to me. little did i know he was already the VP for marketing in the corporate world then he left and started his own when i wasn't born yet. so he had two babies in 1986. me and the company. 

i don't want to be an employee forever. i got that idea from him too. even my queen-tude. lol he was doing a project that was something big and told me, 'if this happens you will be the something queen and you will become a very rich woman even your grandchildren's.' then he started to get sick. maybe that was meant to happen because the project pushed through 3 years ago and it was really big but until now instead of profits the owners earned losses and still paying liabilities at taxes. still God is good. he had another option as a normal businessman, when he knew he won't take long. it could have been a good project for the both of us but time forbade. it's never implemented. so it's something i still have to do. i think it's my purpose in life to fulfill that agreement and that's what he wanted me to do too. 

my ultimate experience

it's ultimate, not frisbee. i said to a friend but she's stiff that it's frisbee so i just said, fine. it's been a while since i had any actual sport since i'm not born sporty anyway. the farthest sport i have is an indoor gym with a treadmill, a spinning class and a sporadic sparring session with a real boxer. oh, i was once into martial arts in my senior year in high school for the fact that i don't want to be bleached under the sun in a military uniform holding a dummy rifle and being screamed at by a co-student. and i want the real shooting range. so there i was an instant aikido player. 

back to ultimate, it's like football, it's just that obviously you use your hands. you're in the field running back and forth throwing and catching discs. the objective of the game is to reach at your team's end zone to score a point. the only trick is that you can't run holding a disc just like basketball, you have to throw it right away. it's fun and really tiring. i get competitive and a perfectionist that i want to get the right form and stunts right away. but it's my first day anyway. 

my father once asked me in grade 4 if i want to learn how to play golf. i said, 'no dad because i might get dark.' i have an under-the-sun phobia by having a fear of getting a darker complexion. so i guess i'll continue ultimate as long as my color hasn't changed. 

conversations with a stranger

i just had the most interesting conversation that lasted for 30 minutes. actually, the best and the worst conversation you will ever have is with a complete stranger. try being stuck with a person that you met for the first time for hours then just talk about anything and you'll be surprised. it may happen in instances where you're waiting in line or traveling or simply anything that makes your time idle. 

the friendly character is always the taxi driver. i have a lot of tales from them that i can now write a book. they are the real gossip boys. not boy abunda. (lol) the worst one that i'll never forget was when i was on my way to makati from quezon city that usually takes 2 hours because of the traffic. it was the usual early morning to work except that i had a bad headache thanks to my heavy drunkenness the night before. so there i was, trying to get a nap when this taxi driver started talking about social issues that i entertained because it's normal talk and i don't want to be rude. then he suddenly shifted the topic to God and Jesus Christ dissing the belief of the catholic church. only to find out, he's a preacher of some religious orthodox as if i'm watching dating daan channel. 

taxi driver 1: ..ayon sa sinabi ni hesus kay juan na nakasaad sa bibliya, itayo mo ako ng simbahan at ano ang ginawa ng katoliko?... (blah..blah).. mali ang interpretasyon!!!.....(more blah.)

me: (mute.)

it made my headache worse. 

if there's the worst, there's also the best. as i was on my home from cubao that can only take around 30 minutes, i took a taxi. the taxi is old that you can smell the LPG from the outside.

the driver is the typical, wearing a plain white shirt that you'll know if he has not taken a bath when you enter the vehicle. he was thin, semi-white haired probably in his 40s. okay so i was stereotyping the person. until i asked if he has change for my bill and said no because he just gassed up with lpg. then suddenly we're having a conversation expressing our opinions about gas prices, economic state, political functions, international warfare, capitalism, government top secrets and other social relevant issues. i was in awe with this taxi driver with his intellect. it's as if i was talking to my sociology or political science professor. only to find out, he was a leader activist during martial law. 

taxi driver 2: alam mo ba na ang oil natin eh hindi ini import? dyan lang yan galing sa palawan. hindi lang sinasabi ng gobyerno pero matagal na yan panahon pa ni marcos....

me: talaga ho??? eh di sana mayaman na tayo kung tayo ang nag e-export ng oil!! lalo na't wala ng oil mashado sa middle east.

taxi driver 2: kung sa yaman lang, mayaman na sana tayo ngayon! eh wala eh,  nabubulsa       lang sa mga politiko.... 

me: oo nga ho eh, na sa atin lahat ng natural resources....

taxi driver 2: oo nandito lahat... oil, semento, gold, tanso... eh anong ginagawa ng gobyerno? pinapa-manage sa mga dayuhan tapos sila makikinabang... (etc..)

and so on.........

i asked if he's still active and he said he stopped. i even asked if he is or was a member of NPA. he said no!! he just said that some of his friends became members because they were wanted during martial law. so i guess he's lying that he was not. he has a superhero syndrome that when they age, they retire and live a civilian life.  

this is one thing i'm really interested about and i haven't had that kind of conversation for quite sometime now. so i glad i did with a stranger. 

mommy me

being a hostess for almost two weeks will tire you out. it includes entertaining, accompanying and treating your guests wherever daily. i wasn't able to do my gym regimen for a week and i'm now resting from fatigue. i had no me-time.

for those past weeks, i became an instant mommy of 4 equally playful nieces and nephew. you have to feed, play and talk a lot to them. adolescent is the formative years so i learned to share wisdom even if questions of a 7 and a 9 yr old are endless that you would want to give up. i sleep beside a 4 yr old or a 2 yr old which cries at night. it's really fulfilling when they appreciate the stuff that you do for them and tells you that 'you're the coolest aunt ever.' 

i now understand even if i only experienced it for just a week. i don't have to give birth to realize the hardships of a mother. i salute the moms because it's the real hard work. i used to think that career and money are IT. or being able to purchase a vuitton or a louboutin will get me to ecstasy. i saw a glimpse of a different perspective in life that i didn't really bothered to look at. i'm glad i did coz it's now another option. :)

spotted: queen j

wow it's been awhile since i have written something! family stuff made me busy. i went back to my hometown in victorias city, negros occidental to see my grandmom aged 86 and had to attend the celebration of my two tito's birthday in bacolod. 

i feel so upper east sider with the party having a press release in the local paper and featured in the local lifestyle cable channel. this is IT. ;)