go on woman

being in-between jobs is excruciating pain. that feeling that you have no control of. i really have no idea what i'm getting into but i do know one thing, love... i just need a freaking job. so i'm going back to the one i first loved. i have this love-hate relationship with media that no matter where i go, i keep on coming back. i hope this time it works out even if the job entails contractual. i feel pressured that i'll be evaluated after 2 months. it's too quick to be judged. but hey, wherever we go, we are judged. i'm grateful to the people who knew me who gave me this chance since it's my 3rd attempt in that company. i took the bragging right and the offer. 

then there is grad school that keeps me gay until lately.  i wanted something that i cannot have. force cannot do it. i felt suffocated and my insides wanted to explode. i wanted to stay away, all the more i wanted to stay. i should have learned than undergo this vicious cycle. i have built a wall to protect my vulnerability and yet it was broken. now i need a fortress. 

i'm the best actress. i just want to love and be loved in return ala satine and christian. who doesn't? no matter how many times i read 'he's just not that into you,' it still doesn't sink in. i don't want to be on the losing end. i don't want to be toyed anymore. i've accepted it, i'm just a pawn in the chess game on his cunningly brain. too bad for me that i like asshole men. i don't want fun anymore. i want the real thing. i cannot distinguish anymore on who is more confused, him, who likes chasing girls and keeps me guessing by being hot and cold or me, who lets him get me frustrated and test my patience and then buys the crap? i felt cheated with time wasted and actually think we're developing a genuine friendship. i was such a fool to think that i can navigate these feelings with a manipulative guy. i knew it from the start that it would end up something like this. i won't be played at. i have to go away before he breaks my heart. 

letting go of fears, anxiety and uncertainty. i'm at this age that i want to be certain. i want something constant and stable. i want to be happy. i am surrendering to God and the universe. i know He has plans for me.