freedom

freedom!!!! with that tune on my brain. yep, after a 4-month stint in a job that i wasn't sure of. they let me go which is good and bad. good in a sense that i learned to not get into something or settle for something just because and bad because my cash flow is running out. i used to think quick of solutions but when it comes to my life, it seems to be a staggering dilemma that only gives me headache. 

a friend asked me for a career advice and i said that 'you should take risks because that's the only way you will know and if it doesn't work out, it's okay at least you know.' why is it so easy to give an advice and when it comes to applying to yourself it seems so difficult. being a corporate slave bores and ticks me. but i don't have enough cash to start my own business. 

i have this mba friend who works for this big multinational oil company and graduated from one of the best schools and is paid well. i'm surprised that we want the same thing. i thought she's this corporate gal who wants to get up in the ladder. she wants to be a AB housewife with an ex-pat husband or some responsible rich guy ala real housewives of OC or NYC. it's a lame solution but if i given my situation now, i will definitely opt for it! haha 

women are now trained and expected to work and help the family because of the higher cost of living. but talk about stress. i'm not a fan of it and it just makes me fugly. what i really want is to be a stay-at-home wife with a business. oh reality crap, i'm single. :)

awakening

2 pre-reqs and 1 core, done. this term i only took 2. an accounting subject and ethics which i know i will like, a socio-political and philosophical themed course. i wasn't supposed to enroll but i realized, hey, i have to finish what i began and i'm going to miss my friends or that friend. 

school has given me a sense of belonging. it's a totally different world like the na'vi of avatar. it's just that it's not alien creatures but you talk a different language and a certain wavelength which you will understand. i found my own version of jake that is only giving me nostalgia. when i withdraw, i don't know why but it reconnects. i tried to fight and forget but it keeps on coming back. i want to be free from uncertainty. but how can i do that when i breathe in the same space. somehow, i wanted to take a break from that world, to get away and forget. but as stubborn as i am, i did not. i vowed to never enter a guessing game again but here i am. 

work has been pretty hectic that i have undergone humiliation and embarrassment. i think it's part of being a newbie to an environment you are not familiar with minimal supervision. since it is territorial, i haven't marked that territory yet. i am not a big fan of pleasing people but now it's very clear to me that i have to kiss ass. in a corporate set-up where power is prevalent just like in politics, what can a new little girl do. it's either suck up with the system or leave. now i have to suck it up since i need to. we all have to earn a living anyway.

at the end of the day, i just want to be happy like everyone else. but how do we seize happiness?they say it's always a matter of the mind. but my thin-lined vein does not comprehend. i choose joy, according to Paulo Coehlo. only God knows where this is going to be. 

this thing called hormones

i was undergoing depression the few days back. feeling like the universe is acting up against me. i wasn't happy at all. i felt like all endeavors that i do is a struggle. my life is pretty much complicated, i think. balancing work, school and life in general. and when i get criticized for something or feeling like a loss i feel bad. 

i wrote a class paper about my enneagram, that being a number 3 when unhealthy, becomes depressed and withdraws herself from people. and that's what i've been doing. i pretty much stopped writing because i had to keep everything to myself.  i seem to have it all but deep inside i'm broken. 

now i don't want to hide. i'm embracing everything what God and the universe wants me to have and do and take it as it is. i know that everything happens for a reason with my predicament now. i'm at my job because for something. i'm getting my education perhaps to know myself and have a direction in life. i'm single because the best it yet to come. my family is on verge of the lowest of low because i have to be strong and mature. 

this year, my resolution is to be more humble, continue search for peace, serenity and love. this year i want to fall in love given it's reciprocated. i don't want to repeat a vicious cycle that would only bring me pain. this year, i'll be a better person and this year, i will be fabulous. i will reach my target weight goal by march. this year is my year of blossoming. this year i will look more beautiful than ever. 

i just found out it's my first day. ah this thing called estrogen. 

bad romance

it's hard when feelings is on its way

no matter how hard i try to fight and avoid it

it just keeps on coming back hungry for more

my wish is the happy ending 

with a big uncertainty

how many inspirational books should i read

to get over something that's not even there?

when my vulnerability sinks in 

it is always bad

i can't get hurt 

i've been there...

times have changed

yearly, i reflect on the past year that happened to me and try to enlighten myself with new learnings. and looking back at 2008, it was full of fun, laughter and tears. in the beginning of that year, i had the bomb. being a professional bum was the best. i mean literally, you go to sleep and wake up late, you do your heart's desire and sleep again. but it comes pretty boring and feeling useless. in the midyear, i decided to go back to school. met my friends, a crush, it gives my shiver when i'm at the campus. i'm my happiest. latter part of last year, toughest trial that my family has to go through. i thank God for keeping me and my family together. 

my new project

i read the idea from my belle de jour planner, to keep a positivity journal. so i'll start today by having my gratitude list. today, i'm thankful for...

- that job i have...

- being alive and kicking...

- losing 30 lbs from last year and counting...

- being able to carry myself in tough situations...

- fulfilling my dream which is studying master's....

- living day by day...

- finding time for myself even if 24 hrs still feels like it's not enough...

- having the energy to go back to gym on weekends... 

- having surrounded by family, friends and of course God... :)

the queen is back

why did i stop for 3 months? rewind.....

october: it is twitter's fault. i became so active there. then finals month from 1st term. 

november: still twitter. start of second term. more hanging out with the boys. been in and out of the hospital because of bro. 

december: finally landed a job. from all that excruciating dilemma of mine. lessen gimik. started to not eat but the holidays. 

january: new year, new me. new resolution and dreams. oh yeah my birthday. surprised by my girls. 

i vowed to be consistent in everything this year and this includes my blog. :)