thank you 2010, hello 2011

a few days back, i was quite hesitant and almost felt fear for the coming year. number one, i'm getting my quarter life age in a short few days. number two, everything is uncertain and number three, i ask myself, am i ready? but as minutes get closer to midnight, it gets a little exciting like an adrenaline rush on my veins. perhaps no one will really never know what to expect in life, so i must be positive and imbibe good vibes.

so now i have a concrete list on my resolution for 2011:

1. learn more and get back on art. i kinda lost track in 2010.

2. personal goal: project hotness. diet. exercise. detox. healthier me.

3. take more time to study.

4. master time management.

5. be diligent in work.

6. be more humble, kind, and patient.

7. expand horizons. be nicer and friendlier.

8. attract love.

9. less complaints.

10. be sweeter.

2011 is my year of progress. :)

i found it

it was the first week of july, a year ago. i entered the halls of my current academy with zero idea what i got myself into. all i know was one thing, i had high hopes that my sun will be brighter. my very first day was a financial accounting course, people were very serious and very business-like maybe because it's the first day and it's an accounting subject. the second day was more chill, my business communication course and the third was statistics. 

then second term went by and third term. not fourth term is ending. bit happy and sad. people who became close to my heart had to stop but i am happy that i gained new friendships. 

i found great friends from those different classes and built good foundation with them. 

it's also my 3rd month with my awesome job. i get commends that i look happier. i have faith that with all the hurdles, everything will fall into places. i am still on the search process of the other aspect of my life but i know this,  i found myself upon getting back to school and mba gave me directions and opportunities that i never seen before. i practically fell in love with it. so far, it has been the best decision i've ever made.

go on woman

being in-between jobs is excruciating pain. that feeling that you have no control of. i really have no idea what i'm getting into but i do know one thing, love... i just need a freaking job. so i'm going back to the one i first loved. i have this love-hate relationship with media that no matter where i go, i keep on coming back. i hope this time it works out even if the job entails contractual. i feel pressured that i'll be evaluated after 2 months. it's too quick to be judged. but hey, wherever we go, we are judged. i'm grateful to the people who knew me who gave me this chance since it's my 3rd attempt in that company. i took the bragging right and the offer. 

then there is grad school that keeps me gay until lately.  i wanted something that i cannot have. force cannot do it. i felt suffocated and my insides wanted to explode. i wanted to stay away, all the more i wanted to stay. i should have learned than undergo this vicious cycle. i have built a wall to protect my vulnerability and yet it was broken. now i need a fortress. 

i'm the best actress. i just want to love and be loved in return ala satine and christian. who doesn't? no matter how many times i read 'he's just not that into you,' it still doesn't sink in. i don't want to be on the losing end. i don't want to be toyed anymore. i've accepted it, i'm just a pawn in the chess game on his cunningly brain. too bad for me that i like asshole men. i don't want fun anymore. i want the real thing. i cannot distinguish anymore on who is more confused, him, who likes chasing girls and keeps me guessing by being hot and cold or me, who lets him get me frustrated and test my patience and then buys the crap? i felt cheated with time wasted and actually think we're developing a genuine friendship. i was such a fool to think that i can navigate these feelings with a manipulative guy. i knew it from the start that it would end up something like this. i won't be played at. i have to go away before he breaks my heart. 

letting go of fears, anxiety and uncertainty. i'm at this age that i want to be certain. i want something constant and stable. i want to be happy. i am surrendering to God and the universe. i know He has plans for me. 

running away

happy cells on the run! :) i have been running lately for my health and fitness. it makes me feel good. i have lost 35 lbs since january of 2009. it took me more than a year because of inconsistencies but now i'm more determined than ever to lose 15 lbs more within the month of june. yes. it's now or never. i'll get my slim body back. :D

figuratively speaking.. i do want to run away. when can i stay put and be stable. i know it's all in the mind but what can a spontaneous person like me think and do. for now, yeah i'll stay put and achieve my fitness goal and studies... :)

freedom

freedom!!!! with that tune on my brain. yep, after a 4-month stint in a job that i wasn't sure of. they let me go which is good and bad. good in a sense that i learned to not get into something or settle for something just because and bad because my cash flow is running out. i used to think quick of solutions but when it comes to my life, it seems to be a staggering dilemma that only gives me headache. 

a friend asked me for a career advice and i said that 'you should take risks because that's the only way you will know and if it doesn't work out, it's okay at least you know.' why is it so easy to give an advice and when it comes to applying to yourself it seems so difficult. being a corporate slave bores and ticks me. but i don't have enough cash to start my own business. 

i have this mba friend who works for this big multinational oil company and graduated from one of the best schools and is paid well. i'm surprised that we want the same thing. i thought she's this corporate gal who wants to get up in the ladder. she wants to be a AB housewife with an ex-pat husband or some responsible rich guy ala real housewives of OC or NYC. it's a lame solution but if i given my situation now, i will definitely opt for it! haha 

women are now trained and expected to work and help the family because of the higher cost of living. but talk about stress. i'm not a fan of it and it just makes me fugly. what i really want is to be a stay-at-home wife with a business. oh reality crap, i'm single. :)

awakening

2 pre-reqs and 1 core, done. this term i only took 2. an accounting subject and ethics which i know i will like, a socio-political and philosophical themed course. i wasn't supposed to enroll but i realized, hey, i have to finish what i began and i'm going to miss my friends or that friend. 

school has given me a sense of belonging. it's a totally different world like the na'vi of avatar. it's just that it's not alien creatures but you talk a different language and a certain wavelength which you will understand. i found my own version of jake that is only giving me nostalgia. when i withdraw, i don't know why but it reconnects. i tried to fight and forget but it keeps on coming back. i want to be free from uncertainty. but how can i do that when i breathe in the same space. somehow, i wanted to take a break from that world, to get away and forget. but as stubborn as i am, i did not. i vowed to never enter a guessing game again but here i am. 

work has been pretty hectic that i have undergone humiliation and embarrassment. i think it's part of being a newbie to an environment you are not familiar with minimal supervision. since it is territorial, i haven't marked that territory yet. i am not a big fan of pleasing people but now it's very clear to me that i have to kiss ass. in a corporate set-up where power is prevalent just like in politics, what can a new little girl do. it's either suck up with the system or leave. now i have to suck it up since i need to. we all have to earn a living anyway.

at the end of the day, i just want to be happy like everyone else. but how do we seize happiness?they say it's always a matter of the mind. but my thin-lined vein does not comprehend. i choose joy, according to Paulo Coehlo. only God knows where this is going to be. 

this thing called hormones

i was undergoing depression the few days back. feeling like the universe is acting up against me. i wasn't happy at all. i felt like all endeavors that i do is a struggle. my life is pretty much complicated, i think. balancing work, school and life in general. and when i get criticized for something or feeling like a loss i feel bad. 

i wrote a class paper about my enneagram, that being a number 3 when unhealthy, becomes depressed and withdraws herself from people. and that's what i've been doing. i pretty much stopped writing because i had to keep everything to myself.  i seem to have it all but deep inside i'm broken. 

now i don't want to hide. i'm embracing everything what God and the universe wants me to have and do and take it as it is. i know that everything happens for a reason with my predicament now. i'm at my job because for something. i'm getting my education perhaps to know myself and have a direction in life. i'm single because the best it yet to come. my family is on verge of the lowest of low because i have to be strong and mature. 

this year, my resolution is to be more humble, continue search for peace, serenity and love. this year i want to fall in love given it's reciprocated. i don't want to repeat a vicious cycle that would only bring me pain. this year, i'll be a better person and this year, i will be fabulous. i will reach my target weight goal by march. this year is my year of blossoming. this year i will look more beautiful than ever. 

i just found out it's my first day. ah this thing called estrogen.